I Hate Seattle

i haven't slept. i can't study. the neighbors across the alley... they do it. they do it all night. and all morning. sex is one thing, but they aren't having sex. they're killing each other. the grunting. the howling. the inhuman "AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

i've tried slamming my window shut. i've tried sleeping in a sweltering room with pillows over my head and white noise going. i've tried yelling "please close your window when you do it." i've tried yelling "i can hear you with my window closed, please have some respect." i've even tried yelling "for god's sake i'm trying to sleep!"

if i had the stomach i'd stand in my window trying to follow the animal sounds to a window across the way, walk over to the building, figure out the buzzing system and, yes, i've contemplated buzzing their apartment. often. buuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
all night.
but that doesn't seem likely to work out.

so i dream of suicide. if i get to dream at all.

please. you dirty, stinky, unshaven, ugly tattooed, coffee drinking, green tea snorting, pot loving, berkenstock wearing, bra-less mother fuckers.... please... shut the hell up while you're making another progressive little hippie abortion.

thank you.

i have a question, and maybe someone who has lived here longer can answer it for me: where am i supposed to walk? no, i'm serious. you see, i walk on the sidewalk and joggers of every size shape and level of stinkiness not only come running directly at me, but they do so while staring me down until i've crammed myself into the shrubbery so they may pass without having to deviate from the perfectly straight line that must be essential for proper running form. i would jump toward the street but that's where the bike lane is- and that is a place more dangerous than the nascar track. you see, "bike lane" is a regional idiom. it's actual meaning is closer to what people elsewhere call "the tour de france." cyclists in this lane are not just commuting from place to place, they are racing against the world, God and ball-stealing-cancer. don't even think about stepping into this area. well, not unless there is a bike on the sidewalk. you see, people in seattle are so much more open minded and intelligent than the rest of the country that they have discovered the bicycle functions on both the street AND the sidewalk! you can see how this would be very exciting! but don't worry- they keep it cool. someone in another city might ride on the sidewalk, their eyes wide with surprise, making lots of noises like "yipee" and "look at me!" but not here. when seattle folk are barreling down the sidewalk on their fixed gears they are so relaxed you'd swear their eyes were closed! and quiet? oh you wouldn't even know they were there if they didn't make those disgusted grunts when they are about to knock you ass-over-tea-kettle. anyway, it sure is nice being in a city so active and free that people routinely risk each other's health in order to maintain their own. i've learned a lot here! except for one thing: where am i supposed to walk?

yesterday i was in capitol hill, trying to find a post office open on saturday. while walking on broadway i stopped just short of a head-on-collision with a MASSIVE pile of dog poop. "Holy christ!" i jumped to avoid it and stared in shock... from the edge of the sidewalk i chirped "Look out!" as throngs of hipsters continued on- right on through the dog sh**. i stood there confused for a few seconds, awkwardly warning people, waiting for someone to acknowledge that a) there was a 2 pound dog turd on the side walk and b) i was trying to stop them from walking through it. no one did. that is how cool capitol hill people are... they can walk through excrement without breaking stride- or making eye contact.

1) you don't actually have to be homeless to smell like a homeless person.

2) why wear clothing when you can wear gear? running gear, walking gear, cycling gear... whenever i see someone who looks put together it turns out they are going to or coming from work. that's their job-gear.

3) tattoos should be like beer promos on sports apparel: big, ugly and there only to make an otherwise good thing look cheap.

4) age is irrelevant. today i saw a grown woman working at a bakery wearing the exact same hoody as the 4 year old i babysit. cartoon character and all.

5) servers in restaurants don't want you to tip them. they also don't want you to speak to them, and really would prefer that you not come into the restaurant at all. k thanks.

6) there is nothing funny about anything.

7) people get pierced like it's their tic.

i moved to seattle a couple days ago, and my first day i found THE perfect couch on craigslist. it was exactly what i wanted and it had just been posted! i called, told the woman my name and phone number, where i was and how much i loved the couch.
me: "i'm getting in the car now and going to an atm. i'll be at your house in 25 minutes- is that okay with you?"
she said yes, and i was there in less than 20.
me: "hi i'm outside your house- green one right?"
her: "the couch has been sold. i just sold it to this guy."
me: "what? but... but i drove straight here and i just spoke with you less than 20 minutes ago..."
her: "well it's gone. craigslist is whoever gets here first. tough luck." *click*
i went nuts. i'm from chicago where people tell you shit to your face. i was standing outside her house and she didn't even have the decency to come to the door. not only this but in the car ride there i had gone on and on about how she sounded like the first nice person i'll have met in seattle. everyone had been rude. irate i started screaming obscenities (i'm a young cute girl so it's not like i'm scary), i even screamed at her neighbor who was gardening. "your neighbor in the green house is a F******* B****" was someone about to cut off her dick if she didn't give them 125$ in the next 10 minutes? does she owe money to the freaking mob? the funniest thing was as i yelled and cursed and called her by name NO ONE reacted! for a good 4 or 5 minutes i screamed and not even the neighbor gardening 20 feet away could be bothered to look at me! she just kept staring at her damn dirt like even it was above me. when i got home i tried to forget about it, and thought that i did. i went out drinking with a friend and had a bit too much... the next morning i realized between shots of jaegermeister and puking i had sent the couch woman about 25 text messages, basically repeating my obscene rant outside her house. there was only one message in my inbox: "i think you have the wrong number."
i didn't have the wrong number... she is just a rotten self-centered shrew.