I Hate Seattle

Cool tips for living in Seattle

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Welcome to Seattle! Hope you enjoyed your flight in(as long as you're not from California, we hate those guys, go back home). Today we're going over 10 COOL TIPS for living in a COOL TOWN like SEATTLE. Lets just jump right in.

1. Have fun: With approved activities us northwesterners take part in such as: video games, biking in an orderly fashion with a GROUP, I repeat, WITH A GROUP(only), and buying things. Also, Hempfest is in June every year, so if you enjoy good music* and smoking weed with antisocial teens/twenty-somethings in the grass, this is for you! Just don't have too much fun!

2. Be yourself :^): As long as you don't cause any trouble, we accept people from all walks of life! Just be sure to dress just like us(boys, that means no loose fitting anything! What are you? A plumber? Or homeless? :^) And girls, bust out those Northfaces and leggings!) talk just like us, and preferably, wear glasses. Oh and be white, please.

3. Become part of the thriving social scene!**: Seattleites are known for being incredibly social creatures. Do not be afraid when you receive a solitary nod in response to any given question, for a Seattleite, it requires much effort to respond verbally. Also remember, when using public transportation try to maintain your volume at a low decibel level, as Seattleites can become agitated and/or threatened if voice exceeds whisper level.

4. We welcome all races!: As long as you stay in your protected strongholds of Kent/Tukwila/Rainier Beach, we welcome you with open arms. Just don't come in our PCC's, please. And stay out of our parks.

5. Keep tidy at all times!: Despite Seattle being the birthplace of grunge and stoner rock, as well as kind of spawning most of the alternative scene in conjunction, we try to keep everything pristine here, and it would do nicely if you don't upset things, thank you :^). Your ripped jeans WILL be frowned upon. We loved it when that guy Nirvana did it, but you're not him silly. And we're actively trying to remove any 'city' elements from our town. That could bring problems like DRUGS(that aren't weed and craft brews I mean).. Though we should put a few safe injection sites around, because you know, we care. Enough to give them a surplus of supplies to use, and a clean place to meet for drug exchanges, because we got rid of the fucking tent city underneath the bridge that served as a containment center for the homeless, until we couldn't hide that anymore from the public.
Hopefully, with your cooperation we can become a more green, more pristine city, and we will be taking ballots soon for whether or not to outlaw spitting outside.

6. Learn to drive a whole new way!: You'll find yourself adapting to the roads minutes into coming here. If you're not backed up in rush hour, you'll find limitless opportunity to prove you too can be as aggressive as us(only behind the wheel of course), or so passive you become an obstruction on the road.

7. Get hype!!!: You can't keep up if you're not caffeinated from the moment you hit that starbucks drive-thru. If you get caught even slightly off guard, on the job or otherwise, you'll get that weird look of 'what a fucking idiot'.

8. You will find love***: Men in Seattle are so starved for affection that you will frequently find regular working class men and above with hamplanets, or better yet, their wonderful stay at home Aryan houseplant. Girls can get away with anything here. Even joblessness. Or grotesqueness. Or just an entitled/condescending attitude that at least 80% of the females embrace as themselves. Take note ladies, you're better than him! Just because.

Then again, most of the influx of tech workers are at least borderline autistic, so it's pretty fair all around.

9. Leave the past in the past!: No one wants to hear about where you're from. If you're not from Seattle, you're probably a dumbass. This is after all the last place where anyone in the world has sense, and clearly the best place. Ever. Seattle. Go Hawks.

10. Oh, introverted world :^): Best place hands down to hole up in an overpriced apartment with your spouse and just. Shut off from everybody. Until the next time you log into facebook and reassure your (possibly not real)friends "Yeah we should make plans sometime", until they eventually get the message, at which point you should now have the appearance of being 'normal' and having friends(+250 preferably) that don't bother you.

Just buttrock*

Social activity may be limited to eye contact on the street**

If you're female***

Posted by NativeSeattlite 11 days ago in Seattleites, traffic, cleanliness, coffee - Permalink

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