I Hate Seattle

Manifest Depression

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Are you an underweight, introverted, ultimate-frisbee playing programmer who loves biking, hiking and yourself? Is an ideal Friday night smoking a bowl and then driving your sport wagon to a progressive political rally in the rain? Move to Seattle, friend - you're home. Otherwise, you might not fall in love with:

- A city so cold, but not cold enough for snow.
- People so cold, but not cold enough to be real.
- Darkness every day between October 1 and July 1. And that one instant every 19 days in the winter when you see the sun, it's so low in the sky that it only serves as a faded memory of a better time.
- A constant light rain that is so persistent you will no longer remember the fundamental differences between dry and wet.
- A self-righteous, politically-correct culture in which you could get fired by your employer and exiled by your friends for expressing any view outside the ultra-liberal company line.
- Girls that are determined to be masculine (those REI leggings don't hide your regret).
- Men that are determined to be feminine (that beard doesn't hide your lack of backbone).
- The worst drivers in the country. Statistically. There's no mandatory driver's education and the scars can be seen on most cars.
- Construction everywhere. Condos mostly. Clogging every roadway, creating noise and ugliness. We need a place to keep Amazombies at night after all.
- Seahawks fans whose ubiquitous "Sea-hawwwks" chant is reminiscent of your grandfather hoking a loogie onto the nursing room floor ("12th man" was stolen from Texas A&M, by the way).
- Rent prices that you would expect in the great cities of the world, not the afterthought of the west coast.
- Boring, bland food that is overrated and under-portioned (shout out to awesome salmon sushi - you're still cool).
- Entitled bikers who savor every opportunity to condescend and pose in their overpriced gear.
- Impossible, impenetrable traffic from 4pm-8pm, as if there was somewhere across town that people expect to be less depressing.
- Drab clothes and style. The color palette includes grey, black, light grey, dark grey and light black. And traffic-safety green.
- A deceptively thin beer culture - two mediocre breweries are the only thing on tap anywhere.
- A omnipresent passive aggression that underpins everything in the city outside of the three sunny months. It leads to a social stasis. A year will pass but you will only remember those three months.
- Every town immediately outside of the city for 100 miles in either direction north/south is strip-mall-ified hell.
- People are generally ugly, out-of-shape and unkempt, thankfully they're covered in baggy nylon rain gear for most of the year.
- Sneakily the most racist city you've ever lived in, but you're probably not black or hispanic, nobody here is.
- High sales tax. But it's needed to fix what-I'm-not-sure. Maybe to relocate homeless people one block in any direction.
- The only active nightlife is around Capitol Hill, which is quite dirty and has an awkward gay vs. bro underlying tension you can pretend doesn't exist.
- Roads are falling apart and busses are obnoxiously large and a public nuisance. Maybe try walking - just don't make eye contact with bikers or they might spit on you - but who can blame them? It is pretty damn depressing here.

Posted by Subaru Magnet about 1 month ago in construction, traffic, rain - Permalink

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