I Hate Seattle

i have a question, and maybe someone who has lived here longer can answer it for me: where am i supposed to walk? no, i'm serious. you see, i walk on the sidewalk and joggers of every size shape and level of stinkiness not only come running directly at me, but they do so while staring me down until i've crammed myself into the shrubbery so they may pass without having to deviate from the perfectly straight line that must be essential for proper running form. i would jump toward the street but that's where the bike lane is- and that is a place more dangerous than the nascar track. you see, "bike lane" is a regional idiom. it's actual meaning is closer to what people elsewhere call "the tour de france." cyclists in this lane are not just commuting from place to place, they are racing against the world, God and ball-stealing-cancer. don't even think about stepping into this area. well, not unless there is a bike on the sidewalk. you see, people in seattle are so much more open minded and intelligent than the rest of the country that they have discovered the bicycle functions on both the street AND the sidewalk! you can see how this would be very exciting! but don't worry- they keep it cool. someone in another city might ride on the sidewalk, their eyes wide with surprise, making lots of noises like "yipee" and "look at me!" but not here. when seattle folk are barreling down the sidewalk on their fixed gears they are so relaxed you'd swear their eyes were closed! and quiet? oh you wouldn't even know they were there if they didn't make those disgusted grunts when they are about to knock you ass-over-tea-kettle. anyway, it sure is nice being in a city so active and free that people routinely risk each other's health in order to maintain their own. i've learned a lot here! except for one thing: where am i supposed to walk?