I Hate Seattle

Posts tagged with "coffee"

Cool tips for living in Seattle


Welcome to Seattle! Hope you enjoyed your flight in(as long as you're not from California, we hate those guys, go back home). Today we're going over 10 COOL TIPS for living in a COOL TOWN like SEATTLE. Lets just jump right in.

1. Have fun: With approved activities us northwesterners take part in such as: video games, biking in an orderly fashion with a GROUP, I repeat, WITH A GROUP(only), and buying things. Also, Hempfest is in June every year, so if you enjoy good music* and smoking weed with antisocial teens/twenty-somethings in the grass, this is for you! Just don't have too much fun!

2. Be yourself :^): As long as you don't cause any trouble, we accept people from all walks of life! Just be sure to dress just like us(boys, that means no loose fitting anything! What are you? A plumber? Or homeless? :^) And girls, bust out those Northfaces and leggings!) talk just like us, and preferably, wear glasses. Oh and be white, please.

3. Become part of the thriving social scene!**: Seattleites are known for being incredibly social creatures. Do not be afraid when you receive a solitary nod in response to any given question, for a Seattleite, it requires much effort to respond verbally. Also remember, when using public transportation try to maintain your volume at a low decibel level, as Seattleites can become agitated and/or threatened if voice exceeds whisper level.

4. We welcome all races!: As long as you stay in your protected strongholds of Kent/Tukwila/Rainier Beach, we welcome you with open arms. Just don't come in our PCC's, please. And stay out of our parks.

5. Keep tidy at all times!: Despite Seattle being the birthplace of grunge and stoner rock, as well as kind of spawning most of the alternative scene in conjunction, we try to keep everything pristine here, and it would do nicely if you don't upset things, thank you :^). Your ripped jeans WILL be frowned upon. We loved it when that guy Nirvana did it, but you're not him silly. And we're actively trying to remove any 'city' elements from our town. That could bring problems like DRUGS(that aren't weed and craft brews I mean).. Though we should put a few safe injection sites around, because you know, we care. Enough to give them a surplus of supplies to use, and a clean place to meet for drug exchanges, because we got rid of the fucking tent city underneath the bridge that served as a containment center for the homeless, until we couldn't hide that anymore from the public.
Hopefully, with your cooperation we can become a more green, more pristine city, and we will be taking ballots soon for whether or not to outlaw spitting outside.

6. Learn to drive a whole new way!: You'll find yourself adapting to the roads minutes into coming here. If you're not backed up in rush hour, you'll find limitless opportunity to prove you too can be as aggressive as us(only behind the wheel of course), or so passive you become an obstruction on the road.

7. Get hype!!!: You can't keep up if you're not caffeinated from the moment you hit that starbucks drive-thru. If you get caught even slightly off guard, on the job or otherwise, you'll get that weird look of 'what a fucking idiot'.

8. You will find love***: Men in Seattle are so starved for affection that you will frequently find regular working class men and above with hamplanets, or better yet, their wonderful stay at home Aryan houseplant. Girls can get away with anything here. Even joblessness. Or grotesqueness. Or just an entitled/condescending attitude that at least 80% of the females embrace as themselves. Take note ladies, you're better than him! Just because.

Then again, most of the influx of tech workers are at least borderline autistic, so it's pretty fair all around.

9. Leave the past in the past!: No one wants to hear about where you're from. If you're not from Seattle, you're probably a dumbass. This is after all the last place where anyone in the world has sense, and clearly the best place. Ever. Seattle. Go Hawks.

10. Oh, introverted world :^): Best place hands down to hole up in an overpriced apartment with your spouse and just. Shut off from everybody. Until the next time you log into facebook and reassure your (possibly not real)friends "Yeah we should make plans sometime", until they eventually get the message, at which point you should now have the appearance of being 'normal' and having friends(+250 preferably) that don't bother you.

Just buttrock*

Social activity may be limited to eye contact on the street**

If you're female***

Posted by NativeSeattlite 6 months ago in Seattleites, traffic, cleanliness, coffee - Permalink

Welcome to 'The Town' :^)


It feels like people in seattle and even surrounding areas are stricken by little to no emotional development, a false sense of superiority, and only find comfort in seclusion. I get it. I'm an internet addict too Seattle. I get the fact that you don't truly care about anyone that isn't blood related to you. That's fine too. But I've been all around the US and Seattle is the only place where people can just look at you and it feels like a cold interaction that was more than it really was. You know exactly what I mean if you've ever accidentally made eye contact with the wrong person in a store/marketplace. Seattle is full of psuedo-intellectuals that act a bit more politically aware than what fits their actual opinions. People claim to be liberal and "cool with everybody" and at the same time are closetted racists. In Seattle, the most social interaction you may ever have is over Facebook. People that are bright and bubbly and always willing to "hang out" online, tend to always be busy. Always. Because work. Or just whatever really. "I didn't see your text.". Oh. Okay. Some other time soon.. Aaaaand no response. Seattle, baby. You can have a friends list filled with happy faces, yet no one there for you when you need them. For anything. Even just "How's it going?".
People of the northwest cling to weed like its the last salvation. I've met people that treat it as a gift to mankind that solves many problems. That I can't argue with. It's just that many will abuse it on waking up, EVERY day(and Ive been there before too but bear with me) before and after every meal, and sleep. The entire time not actually happy being high at all, just barely content being at their 'normal' state, and still complaining at that. Stoners here can be the worse. Because everyone smokes weed. Its cool that the town embraces it mostly, but some of you despondant people are losing MORE personality from the psychosis your inducing on yourself. Congrats. People really just do drugs here to make life more bearable. Because working with other miserable people probably takes its toll after a while.
Obviously, these things don't apply to everyone, or even the average Seattleite. No, if I was to descibe the average Seattleite, I'd say either mild mannered tech startup/microsoft employee with no real personality that just stays on the safe side with everything, even his lifestyle choices must be approved by reddit, OR one of those people that wear athletic clothes everywhere.
IN CONCLUSION: Don't move here if you're planning on trying to be social. It's almost as depersonalized as Singapore. If you are moving here, be in a couple. This is a great place to live if you want to be a closed off couple that only hangs out with other closed off couples. Don't move here if your a minority that isn't asian(not trying to segregate, but just saying life will be easier and similar anywhere else in the west coast)
Do move here if you are thick skinned, make decent money, and your idea of a good time is sipping bland craft beer you only bought to be a beer afficianado at the overcrowded camping site near Mt. Rainier. Do move here if you would like an interchangeable tech nerd such as myself to become your sugar daddy, and want to live in an overpriced apartment with rent steadily rising. Do move here if the majority of your wardrobe is Steve Jobs-esque and you like most of your fine dining experience at Starbucks. Lol you thought that coffee thing was a joke? And the tech industry boom? The Seattle Freeze? Haha! Welcome to hell friend.. It just froze over.

Posted by wetheppl774 12 months ago in people, coffee, tech, weed - Permalink



I came to Seattle from a small town to attend college at UW. I did my best to like this place. I tried to fit in and be a Seattleite. In the end, I just couldn't and I will be leaving for beautiful San Antonio in about a year.
Here's why:

1. The weather. It is currently an afternoon in late April. It's currently 43 degrees and drizzling outside. It's been more or less like this since about the middle of September of last year. It's going to be like this for another two months. Sometime in early July, the sun will come out and the temperature will get about 70 for a few weeks. The locals will immediately start complaining about the heat, of course. After these few wonderful sunshiny weeks, the dark depressing drizzle will start again and envelop Seattle in a shroud for about 10 months. The locals always say how there is so much to do here outdoors. The window to do anything outdoors is basically July and August. Have you ever tried to go hiking sometime in the fall? I have and it's absolutely miserable. Fishing? Miserable. Jogging? Miserable. Barbecuing? Miserable. It's like constantly living in a damp moldy basement. The locals themselves don't do anything outdoors either. I've never seen so many adult World of Warcraft players in my life. The whole "outdoorsy Seattle person" is really just a myth.

2. The people. I have not made one friend who is actually from the Seattle area. My girlfriend is from Nevada, my best friend is from Chicago, and I'm friends with people from California, Texas, and a few other places. I can not name one native Seattleite who I am friends with. And it's not due to a lack of trying. Only in Seattle can a guy invite 20 people to a backyard barbecue only to have 1 person show up. The people here are very insular and unfriendly. Every time I try to be friendly to someone, they get this terrified look on their face or try to avoid making eye contact with me. I've noticed this more times than I can count. What is the deal with people not making eye contact? The only people who I seem to be able to have normal conversations with are non-native Seattleites or the weird hobos who hang out in downtown. People here are more content with living in their own little world and not even making an attempt at human connection.

3. The people. Yes, I know I have mentioned Seattle people before. But it is just so difficult to describe the people here to someone who doesn't live here.

Your typical Seattle guy: mid 20's - mid 30's, white, pale, scuzzy unkept beard, about 50 pounds underweight, thick rimmed glasses, man bag, works either as a techie, an artist, or for some non-profit, liberal, doesn't travel much outside of Seattle, poor hygiene, wears hiking gear year round, always has a smug "I'm superior to you" attitude, has a Sociology/Art History/Comparative History of Ideas degree from the UW, rides bike to work, no social skills whatsoever,

Your typical Seattle woman: mid 20's - mid 30's, white, pale, about 100 lbs overweight, works as an artist, for some non-profit, or as a secretary, doesn't travel outside of Seattle much, poor hygiene, wears hiking gear year round, smug bitch-like attitude, has a Women's Studies/[Insert name of ethnic group] Studies/Art History/ other bullshit degree from the uw, lack of social skills.

A couple observations about people here: Seattle is very much a group-think kind of town. Any diversity of opinion is not welcome here. Seattleites will be pleasant to you as long as you agree with them about everything. Seattleites don't handle ideas other than their own very well. The moment an idea different from their own viewpoint slips out of your mouth, they will either shun you or they will throw a hissy fit. (As in, they start yelling and screaming and swearing at you) You have no idea how many grown adults I've seen throw hissy fits around here.

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest. I'll probably return later on with some stories of my adventures in Seattle or should I sate Shitattle.

Posted by dingo over 6 years ago in Seattle, sucks, rain, hipsters, coffee - Permalink

Where's the Good Coffee?


I moved to this frozen rainforest about a year ago.

The friends I left behind consoled me, saying "Well, at least you'll have lots of good coffee!"

Well, it's been a year, and I'm still looking. I've visited dozens of coffee shops and coffee kiosks (many of then operated by bikini-clad fudge addicts), but the best I can say is that the coffee is about as appetizing as a mug of burned rubber. Seriously, the stuff tastes like a tire fire that was put out with skim milk.

At a "Coffee Roaster" coffee house (where you'd think they'd know a little bit about coffee) I asked if they served the "Cold Brew" style of coffee that was all the rage in other parts of the country. (This is coffee that is prepared, from start to finish, with cold water. It takes much longer to prepare, but if you know what you are doing, the flavor is rich, very smooth, a bit nutty, possesses a complexity almost like red wine, and has absolutely no bitterness.)

"Well, we can give you some French or Spanish Roast and put some ice in it for you."

At another coffee "boutique" I asked if they had any Medium Roast -- maybe a Mocha Java.
(Even Dunkin Donuts can do a decent Mocha Java)

"Medium Roast? No, we don't have any of that. But we can give you a French Roast and add some water to it."

Yeah -- and while you're at it, why don't you add water to some red wine to make your own white wine?


After all this, all I can say is, if you are going to Mexico, don't drink the water.
And if you are going to Seattle, don't drink the coffee (same reason).

Posted by Charlie over 7 years ago in coffee - Permalink

I used to love coffee


I used to love coffee until I moved here.

Of course, I don't mean Starbucks. Nothing against the original place, but the chains that cropped up all over America became (get this, Seattle) another personification of corporate America and the eradication of local culture via gentrification.

Sound familiar?

Right, see, the rest of the United States isn't this monolithic chain of strip malls and condos, with the only vestiges of authenticity left in the country being the underbelly of Fremont.

We can all appreciate irony: a city that laments its own gentrification and loss of identity contributing in its own way to the same phenomenon happening in suburbs, exurbs, small towns, and urban neighborhoods all over the country.

Every small town wants to protect its historic district after all, it's only natural to wax nostalgic.

For the record, I don't really hate coffee. One of the good things about this place is the roadside espresso stands.

Posted by spleenvent over 7 years ago in coffee, pretension, the corporatization of America - Permalink

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